


On a Snowy Night

by Agua



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:35:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22657120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agua/pseuds/Agua





	1. Chapter 1

"It's never worked -- having friends -- for me, alright? Can you lay off the steak for now and just focus on what I can actually do, and give me advice on that? It's like you don't even care, Aidan," she humphed through gritted teeth.

She slumped down, placing her face in her hands. Somehow, she felt lonelier than ever tonight, even if Aidan was right behind her, standing in the very same room.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"Well, you better lay off the not-working, cause I've got lots of things for you to do, since you're being so nice about it," Aidan shot back sarcastically, venom oozing from his voice.

"I'm sorry."

The box Aidan had been holding shook the floor in an ear-blasting CLANG.

"Would you want to get started now, or do you need me to explain to you the basic rules?"

Raina rolled her eyes. She refused to look at him. He was being a jerk tonight, and she didn't want to talk to him in that state. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction. (She was being unfair, pitched in a small voice inside her head. She's just pissed because her work idea was rejected at work.) She told the voices to shoo, because she wanted to focus on the task at hand… which she had already forgotten. Blast her irritating brain.

"I'm sorry, I don't know what I did anymore."

"Wow, that's just the best," Aidan snarled. "We can't even rely on you anymore. You'll just forget. Must be nice to have all day to yourself now that you can't even do any work because you'll just forget the instructions halfway through."

Raina blinked to chase away tears. He was right.

"Listen, Aidan, I'm not good at this, alright? So will you please just be nice and give me some advice?"

Aidan frowned. His eyes glistened with emotion, but he stayed silent. After a while, he shook his head and let go of the sentence he had been holding on.

"I can't just keep going this, Raina. I can't keep busting my butt for you everytime you cower away from your job. You just gotta stop running to me all the time."

"Don't you sound like my dad on this!" Raina warned.

"Okay, alright!" he yelled back. "But I'm not doing this anymore! Everything we ever do is fight, talk, and cover up for each other, this isn't going to work! I want none of this! None of that will make me happy!"

Raina felt her throat grow weak.

"Good, okay, alright! But why won't you just tell me? Talk to me, Aidan, how the heck am I supposed to do something for us if you won't even act like you're my friend and we can't be a team anymore? You don't tell me anything, Aidan! Don't blame me if I do bad stuff sometimes -- you never tell me what bothers you!" 

"Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you did anything! Raina, I always have to be the bigger person between us, how hard is it to ask you to just grow up sometimes, and pick up some slack for once? Just be responsible -- just DO something! For crying out loud, every time I talk to you about this, you clam up! We can't even work through this with your attitude!"

Raina stopped talking. Emotions were overpowering her, yet she pushed through.

"Well, I think YOU're not responsible enough. You can't even work through issues with your team yourself -- when someone had a problem, you don't look out for them, you just push them to work through! Nobody can work through that type of pressure, Aidan! It's not healthy."

"SHUT UP. Alright."

Aidan was clamming up. He was looking away, one hand up in a stop motion, the other one stuck to his face. He looked enraged. His eyes were dark and cold, but he looked calm. Almost done.

"Darnit, Raina. I'm done with you."

There were so many things Raina wanted to say, but after a quick brainstorm, there was only one left to ask.

"We won't be friends?" Raina echoed softly.

"I hope not," Aidan answered. "Look, I'm sorry. It's just... I need time out from you. I want to figure some things out, alright? We'll be fine."

He touched Raina's face tenderly, and she leaned into his touch, but as soon as she caught herself, she straightened up.

"This isn't one of your tricks, is it?"

"Gosh, no, Raina!" Aidan exclaimed in frustration. "Gosh, you're so -- I'm LEAVING."

It was like a storm passed through. Raina shot up from her seat and hurried to his side, but he had taken his coat and his hat and he was hauling the box back in his hands.

"You're immature, and I don't want to have anything to do with you. Just shut up, alright? Shut UP!"

He slammed the door, hard, right on Raina's fingers. She stood there in shock before the pain registered, but he was already halfway across the street, running from the howl that she let out. Luckily, she'd managed to open the door in time, so there were no broken bones, only torn skin and ripped fingernails. She stood there for a while, shocked to her core, as the events from the night started to bubble in her brain, and suddenly, the only thing she wanted to say was: "why can't you just trust me with your feelings?" And if Aidan had been there, he would have said that he said nothing because she was irresponsible. But the only thing that answered her was the cold emptiness of the hollow house.


	2. Chapter 2

"I'll be right here," said her best friend.

The phone call stopped abruptly, leaving Raina with her glass of tea to sit silently by the window. At least, the view was pretty. It was nighttime, and the lights in the city were still opened. She'd never liked the city so much, but it was beautiful in winter. It was both cold and fluffy, and rainy but with a touch of cavernous, damp atmosphere. If it was the slightest bit unsettling, it was still the most beautiful thing she had set her eyes onto that night, and she wouldn't have taken it back anytime.

It was a pity the snow had cleared, she thought with a heavy sigh. It would have been nice to see her friend's car pull up on the road with its headlights on, pushing through the heavy snow. To see cars rolling through mounts of snow always carried a heavy sense of adventure and mystery, which was perhaps just the thing she needed tonight to take her mind off things. And, about the "taking her mind off things" business, she knew this time that she wasn't being overdramatic. It was not the first fight Aidan and her had had in the last month. They had always been nasty, but they had managed to hold on to their household out of the perhaps misguided belief that they needed to be together. That they were meant to be. Aidan had been the one to push for this, but over time, he had probably changed his mind, because today's fight sounded very... Final. She was not sure there was any coming back from that.

Raina couldn't help but stifle a sob at the words. She could not even begin to imagine her life without Aidan at her side. It felt like a part of her was missing -- that her being was longing for something, crying out for someone in heart-wrenching wails of despair. And she ached to give it what it wanted, but she had no mind to call Aidan back. He was not right for her -- and even though she had hesitated to say it out loud for a long time, she was certain tonight, that their match was not the right one. Aidan had walked out (and the thought sent a wave of grief over her fragile body) and their marriage was probably off. Fine, she thought. If he felt it best, she would agree with him. He wasn't someone you could question.

She shook her head, but it was no use: tears began strolling down her face. It was not out of physical pain, although it might has well have, with the hand she kept bandaged over her heart to keep it from taking any more damage. But the tears she felt wash over her cheeks were quite real.

She heaved a sigh and looked away from her hands. Her head was getting clouded again. She had begun to feel the beginning of what she could only call a delusional attack, and since she had no mind for this, she decided to stop her line of thought. Surely she was able to think of something better?

She decided to think about her friend. Her BFF, Alabama -- the one she had called, and who would probably be here any second now. She remembered her soft ginger hair, her skin the color of holidays and tasty meals by the fire, and the voice she made when she used to tell her stories when they were little. She remembered with a small smile that they had always stuck together during family dinners. It was them against the world.

With a tired sigh, she thought back to the events of the night. Maybe they were bad for each other. She'd always thought that: in their first months together, she'd even refused to let loose around him, saying he could turn back on her at any second. Aidan had tried to reassure her, and for a while, it had worked, but apparently, her paranoia had gotten the best of him as well, and now, he was fed-up.

He called her childish. She didn't know what to think about that. Of course, she did have a strange way to deal with problems; she'd been very bad tonight, yelling at him to reassure her. And obviously, Aidan didn't need that in his life, he wanted something else out of her, and she couldn't give it to him. Maybe he wanted adventure, and since she was a writer, he found endless adventures in her brainscape. But that hadn't been enough, had it?

Raina thought with a drop of her heart that she'd been bad to him. He had felt like she was pushing him to his limit, and he was right: she was always asking him for reassurance, and for him to be completely harmless, and he must have felt choked by her company. She'd seen the way he had looked at her: he looked like he despised her company. She was sure he would break up; after such a display of anger, it was obvious he would leave. But he had touched her afterwards, so perhaps... She never really understood where Aidan and her stood, and she wasn't about to understand it tonight. She decided to get up and make some hot cocoa for her and Alabama, but she didn't have time.

"Raina? I'm at the front door," chimed a new text message.

"Coming," Raina answered, biting her lip to choke back a tear.

She threw her phone back on the couch, took a few seconds to apologize to the cushions for the rough landing, then tiptoed to the front door. She rubbed her toes on the mat, before her manners got the best of her, and she forgot the snow that had glued itself to her feet. She opened the door wide, and her BFF's smiling face welcomed her. Only the tip of her nose was rosey with cold; she always covered herself well in winter. She was still wearing her signature dark cloak, which had magically forgotten that it was snowing outside, and looked like she hadn't even set foot outside of the car yet.

"Alabama! Come in," Raina cheered.

Her BFF only removed her hat before she walked inside, still covered in cold night air. She took a quick look around before asking the well-awaited question:

"What happened with you two?"

Raina looked down at her freezing feet and regretted taking off her socks. She thought that there might be a stray pair hidden between the cushions. She motioned for them to sit.

"Well, I dunno. There was a fight, and Aidan walked out. I don't know, I had the feeling it was over between us. I said some bad stuff to him, it really shook him," she answered self-consciously. "I wouldn't blame him for leaving."

"What did you say?" Alabama asked as she plopped herself down, her serious eyes locked with her BFF's.

"Well, it's not much what I said than what I did," Raina explained.

She felt ridiculous saying it. Had she really exaggerated that much?

"Well, don't pester me with the details," Alabama pressed with a smile.

"Come on, I'm saying it," Raina shot back sternly, her eyes downcast again. "Well, I did some bad stuff. I was a total baby again at work, and I know he hates it. I didn't do the work that was assigned to me, I waited for someone else to do it."

"That's not your problem! I mean, that's his problem if he's so pissed off by that," Alabama hissed. "I mean, date someone else. Dude's a douche."

"I'm sorry for being rude to you and saying those things," Raina apologized at the same time. "And... I'm sorry about Aidan. I know he's not always the nicest, but..."

She took a pillow between her fingers and started fidgeting with the edge.

"It's just... I'm not... I think this one's on me. I mean, I dunno, he's not always the nicest but, he's supposed to be helping me. I can't just leave the person helping me get better. Right? That would be rude. I'm already a douche as it is, I don't want to be ruder and ditch him like that..."

"You're not a douche, and you're not ditching him for bad reasons! It doesn't make you rude! Dude's a douchebag, you're entitled to ditch him!" Alabama spat out, reaching out to hold her BFF's hand. "Anyone who says different can have a talk with me."

"I just... If I'm not with him, and I don't try to better myself, what am I? Who am I, what's my place here? I don't know where to go. And... He's supposed to be making me better, I can't just renounce what he stands for, and what he wants. His... His motive is right. What kind of person am I if I refuse to uphold that?"

"He's not a computer program, dude," Alabama protested. "You're allowed to live your life without worrying about things like this. You gotta live, and marry for love. Don't let things pass you by just because some jerk decided to stick by you. You're... You're allowed to make your own choices, you know?"

Raina sighed. Something strange was welling up in her throat.

"I don't know... I... I don't mean to do that. I don't want to betray anything. Or hurt anyone. Or... What he said to me. I don't want to betray him."

Alabama's face contorted with sympathy, and she reached out to pat her BFF's hair gently. Raina recognized the hold: it was the "tell me the truth or else" hug that Alabama used whenever Raina wasn't telling her who did something bad to her, and she wanted to avenge her BFF. Alabama was somewhat of an aggressive caretaker, she'd say. Both kind and fiery.

"It's alright, you've got nothing to worry about. Nobody can talk to you like that. What did that little crap-face say so I can punch him? Where's he hiding?"

"Bama, stop," Raina protested. "You're.. pulling my hair?"

They both laughed at the same time.

"Dude, you don't have hair. That's a wig up there," Alabama shot back with a little giggle. "What are you up to, why won't you say it?"

"What, can't a girl have her wigs on once in a while? And keep her secrets, if she doesn't want to say it!" Raina blurted out. "It feels like... A thousand knives in my throat. Like, I shouldn't say it, or... Or it's going to be bad for him, and everyone."

Her BFF's face slowed down to a mixture of emotions, as she tried to pick the right one to let out. It looked like a thousand fireflies were buzzing in her head, lighting up and fleeing away in a matter of seconds. If it had been a painting, Raina would have painted it. Wait, maybe she even could, if she could find her painting supplies over there --

Her best friend's hands waked her from her thoughts. She looked up and saw Alabama's warm, upset eyes staring her down.

"What did he do to make you feel so scared?" Alabama whispered after rubbing a tear off her cheek. "What did he do? I swear I'll protect you, but you have to tell me, or I can't help you at all. Tell me -- please -- I have to do something."

"I... He didn't do anything," Raina choked out. "He just... If I don't like what he says, he's going to... show it to everyone. Show my disagreement, and... Humiliate me."

She swallowed the ball in her throat.

"I mean, he hasn't said that. Dunno if he even did any of that. It's just what I've been scared of. I just don't know what he is at all -- I mean, who he is. I don't know him at all."

She pawed to remove the pools around her eyelids.

"Sometimes, I just want to scream. I just... I don't know anymore. I don't know what to expect, I don't understand where I live, or what to do. It's a total nightmare. You have to do something, Alabama, please, I don't know how long I can hold on like this anymore. I don't know what to do, everything is just -- confused right now. Nothing is right, and I don't know how anything works. It's just... I didn't know what he did, and what I did. I think he saw how confused I am, and he didn't want to deal with it anymore -- he always had to deal with my mistakes. He didn't want to cater to me anymore. He said I was a baby, and I couldn't do anything by myself. He didn't want to live with that person."

She clawed at her eyes angrily, ripping the last tears away and leaving a reddening mess behind.

"I just don't want to do this anymore. The confusion, the lying -- not lying, but just, the delusions... Sometimes, it feels like I don't even know him. Like he's just a wild animal that I didn't even invite in, and he's just -- clawing everywhere. I mean, I know he isn't and it's my fault for it getting this bad. And that every one of my delusions is something I do -- probably. Or something like that."

Alabama gently touched her BFF's cheek, then, slowly, she stood up, and looked to the kitchen.

"You want me to make some hot cocoa? You always loved it when we were kids."

"Oh, I was supposed to do it. I mean, not that it's wrong or I don't like that you do it. I just... Man, I can't say one sentence without getting something wrong. I'm ridiculous, aren't I?" she muttered, looked at her BFF, half-expecting her to agree, and the other half more bothered with her own out-of-characterness. "This is fine, I just -- my head is emptying. There's nothing to do here anymore," she explained. "Nothing here worth mentioning, or even talking about, and nothing worth the pain of doing it. Nothing here that matters -- the fridge, the counter. Nothing else."

"You want to make some cocoa?" Alabama murmured.

"I really just, just wanted to make some cocoa," Raina answered, before bursting into tears.

She covered her face with her hands as warm tears rolled down her cheeks like snakes coming by to say hello. In the midst of her emotional cloud, she thought to herself that maybe the reason she wanted to make some cocoa was because she felt like she couldn't do anything else of her life, and like she couldn't really do anything except some cocoa. She didn't really have a promising future, or any worthwhile friends. Or a boyfriend. She didn't have any fortune that would make her age make sense -- didn't make sense to be a young adult if you didn't have money, or a job -- and she didn't have any talent that made her life automatically worth protecting, like those smart kids on the television that were so cool in themselves that nobody would care if they didn't get a job, they were so cool that people would like them and welcome them anyways. Maybe some of them would get jobs anyways, because adults might still put pressure on them. Maybe none of them even got a free pass at all.

"Well, that sucks," Raina thought. "If only I could do something to help that even a few of them has a good childhood..."

Then a thought struck her and she almost felt cold dread creeping up her shoulders, disgusting and freezing like an unwanted ball of snow.

"Is this a midlife crisis? Oh, no. Not that -- that sucks. It's that thing rude men do when they can't have the freedom that they had when they were young anymore. They can't do everything they want anymore, and they don't have, like, a free pass, and -- I guess that's what it is. I mean -- this isn't what midlife crisis is about, it's supposed to be about -- about not knowing what your life is about, and feeling like it's all worthless, and all the things you were proud of are beyond you."

Then she felt a warm smell in her nose, and as she looked up, she saw two cups full to the brim, and felt herself want to cry of relief.

"Thank God, I'm freezing," Raina muttered under her breath, taking a mug in her hands.

She sipped the cocoa and let it's familiar taste reassure her again.

"Cookies," announced Alabama, showing her a box of treats. "Now, let's get back on the couch and you can tell me all that's happened."

"What did the world do to be worthy of your existence?" Raina murmured with a smile. "You're too good for this world."

"I'm not answering that," Alabama grunted. "Now get over here and cry all you want. I'm here to listen."

"Well I don't... I didn't know what I was getting into when I met him. He's so... brash. he's always saying things like he's got an answer to everything."

"Like your dad?" Alabama supplied.

"No, no. Well, maybe like him, maybe. I mean, my dad isn't mean like that. He's cool. It's just... Aidan... I don't understand what he wants. I know he wants something from me, and I know I'm not giving it. I just... I thought I wasn't being outgoing enough, and I wasn't talking to people properly. I just... There are days where he just gets so pissed at me, he calls me a baby, he says he can't keep covering up for me. He says I can't do anything on my own. I usually believe him, I mean, I have to -- that's what people want me to say, right? But... It's so rude. I can't believe you can -- and it's not like I'm not trying. I'm sick, I just -- I don't believe someone should be removed the right to be a member of society just because they aren't doing anything. Like, if they don't have a job. I mean, it's not what jobs are for -- they're for helping each other, not for, like, saying whether you're worthy of happiness or not. I just... I don't know."

She sighed angrily.

"We fought about this a few times, but this time, it was bigger. He said it wasn't acceptable how I was always reacting like this, always panicking and making a big deal out of things. He just didn't like me, he said -- one time, he said he didn't feel comfortable being with me anymore. I mean, maybe it's true that I do that. I just... And most of the times, I don't understand what he asks me. Like, he wants me to act a different way with people, but he won't tell me how to act, so I don't know what to do. And he gets mad. And I feel like I've failed him, and it's not fair because I didn't even have a chance to prove myself first."

"So... You feel like you can never satisfy him?"

"Yeah. I just... It feels like he doesn't have a reaction to give me so I can know if I did something right. Like, I never know if I do something wrong or right -- and I never know what he feels, and what he thinks. I don't know what he feels. And -- and whatever I do, it doesn't change how he acts. It feels like none of us can be happy, no matter what we do. Like, I'm thinking... I'm unhappy because I feel like I can't work through the issues, but maybe he doesn't like me. Maybe he's just not happy with me at all, and it's just because it's me that he doesn't want to stay. You know? Like, no matter that I do, it's never enough."

"That reminds me of me and my sister," Alabama muttered between sips.

"Oh? What do you mean?" Raina said.

"No, I. Well, it's my fault, she's a great person, you know? I just never felt like she was enough, like -- she was never good enough to make me happy. I mean, that was a while ago. Lately, I feel okay, I just -- I see myself in her, and I feel like, well, I'm not good enough. I mean, I don't know. I'm just piecing together what my therapist told me. I just, well, there's no reason why I should feel like this, you know? I mean, maybe... Maybe it's just because we're too different to get along, or something. I mean, we love each other, and stuff, but... I don't know, I guess we're just okay with giving each other some space, like, we're not the center of each other's existence and stuff."

"Yeah, like -- it feels empty?" Raina supplied, her eyes hopeful.

"Kind of! I mean, she's not empty. Right, she's a very alive kind of girl, it's just, you know. I guess... I really don't know. It just feels like it isn't all I want there to be in life. Like, I dunno, life feels empty. It's not enough for her to be there sometimes. I mean, maybe it's just that I'm really THAT bored."

Alabama took her head inside her hands.

"I just... If we don't work as sisters together to make ourselves happy, what's the point? Like, what am I doing wrong? What's the point of, like -- it feels like it... I just don't want to be alive here in this situation any longer, sometimes. It's so crazy over here."

She was shaking her head.

"I don't... Want to be there any longer, you know? I don't want to be there if all there is waiting for me is misery and doom. It's so stressful sometimes, like, I have to... If I want to get away, I have to, like, have this passion or whatever. Like, I always have to DO something. I don't want to do anything and --"

She rubbed the tears from her eyes.

"I'm rambling. Point is, this sucks. Like, a lot. And it's hard, and you want to give up, and you want to cry. So you just... Get cookies and milk, and swim in a lake, and -- sit on the couch with your best friend, so you feel a bit better. And... stuff goes away from a while. It even feels a little like you have your own purpose for a while when it happens, you know? Like, you have a reason, or something, for being there, and not looking down. Like -- your troubles are still a major thing, which they should be, and stuff -- but, you know. It's just a -- welcomed distraction."

Raina smiled and rested her head on her friend's shoulder.

"Yeah. It's super nice."

Then she sighed.

"You ever feel like you don't know what to do anymore? Like, there's no path you want to take? Nothing's coming to you, and you just don't know what comes next?"

"I've got worse: the path you're in -- everything you've done as of now -- starts to give you nightmares at night. And you wish you could turn back time and do something else."

Raina stayed silent for a while, as heaviness washed over her.

"Ouch," she breathed after a while. "This is -- crap, Albie. Didn't know you had that inside. I'm -- impressed? Reassured, I think?"

Alabama didn't answer and stared down at the dark road by the window.

"That sucks. I feel the same way."

"Wasn't the problem with your -- with the kid? Not with your life?" Alabama protested with a hint of defensiveness, like she wasn't sure she liked her intention.

"I mean -- if I don't know where the road goes, I didn't know where it lead either when I went in it. I mean, it could mean that it was a mistake to walk it in the first place."

Alabama pressed her head to her BFF's, stifling a laugh.

"That's so ridiculously deep and I appreciate it so much."

"How does that work -- you said you liked it? I don't get it."

"Nah. I mean, it is deep, you know, I do appreciate it. Like, the thought that... That the road isn't the good one. It's really nice to feel... I dunno. Like there's a place in the universe for... This. Whatever "this" is. Like... There's a place where we could be. You know?"

"Hm."

Alabama sipped her cocoa.

"Are you pissed because --"

"Yeah! What am I supposed to think? I don't understand what you say," Raina whined. "I can't -- I don't understand where you're going so I don't know -- forgive me for this, but-- if I can't understand where you're going, how am I supposed to know if I can trust where you're going with this?"

"Woah, dude," Alabama soothed. "It's alright, I don't -- I don't understand? What do you mean?"

"No, I just -- I don't understand what you mean, and what you're saying, and -- I can never understand what people say because they don't talk like I do and I always have to translate when they talk, and it's a hard to understand -- like, why can't they go in a direction I like once in a while? And -- what's -- why don't they show their intentions like me? I mean, nothing wrong about their way, I just -- I want to know what to expect of them, and -- they never say it. And it's frustrating. It feels like I'll never make myself a place here. I'll never belong here if I can't understand how they talk, and -- and what they want."

Alabama looked outside for a while. Shadows always helped her think better.

"Yeah, I guess that's fair. I mean, I feel like that a lot, too. Like... I'm nowhere, you know? I don't meet people like me, I don't see them, I feel like nobody's going to listen to my voice no matter what, because there's as few of me in this world, talking, and... I just feel so insignificant."

She rested her head on the couch.

"I feel so low. Like my head's going to explode. Maybe we should watch a movie... Or keep talking about this? You still on about Aidan, by the way?"

"No, I -- I think it's better this way. I've been feeling a lot of things about me and him lately, and I think it's better if we leave things. I'm just tired of all the drama, you know? It feels like he was always on my back, yelling about something -- I'm just tired of the drama. I mean, he'd say I started it. I guess I was just... worried about things. It's no excuse, but, you know. I get worried, I ask things, I get a little accusatory too. I think what he was telling me was that I couldn't digest accusations like a normal person. Like, I get really upset over those."

She sighed and swallowed a handful of marshmallows.

"Anyways, I'm ready to talk about something else, I think."

"Movie?"

"Wanna watch those Barbie movies and get sucked in the adventure?"

"That's what I'm talking about. You know how to throw a party."

"That, I do."


	3. Chapter 3

After a few hours, Raina paused the movie during a cutscene, and looked back at her BFF.

"Hey, you -- you feel bad about our conversation earlier? It feels like... I dunno. Something dark and scary touched us. Like... We talked about bad things. Scary things. I dunno. Are we good people -- kind people? Did we do something immoral? I just don't know. Is it me? Am I a bad person?"

She closed her eyes and breathed in sharply.

"Delusional attack again. You mind -- you mind passing me some of those cookies, please?"

Alabama showed her the box, and she took treats with grateful smile.

"Why am I like this?" Raina asked between mouthfuls. "Aidan was right -- what he said, that I never took responsibility for anything, and that I was a crybaby. I never worked for anything, and -- and I was a pain. He's right, isn't he? I'm going to make people uncomfortable?"

She choked back a cry.

"Why does nothing feel right anymore? Is it because we're not being... Childlike enough? I mean, it always put me at ease. Like, it felt safe, and -- and, people who were like that weren't trying to hurt others. I dunno, like, this place we live in -- it tries to hurt others pretty bad. If you wanna do like the status quo, you gotta hurt people. It just doesn't match me."

She felt tension rise in her body.

"I'm so tired and angry, I don't even -- I can't put it in words. I just -- if I could put it in words, I wouldn't have to care. Right? Oh, I'm so tired of everything."

"I dunno, but, we are watching Barbie movies. It's been nice and all. Maybe we can do that more?" Alabama prompted.

"Yeah. Hey, maybe it's the pressure to be like them that I don't like. I mean, growing up means being -- being like those people, and that's not nice and all. Can you, uh -- pass me the cheese? Yeah. Thanks."

She bit a hole into the cheese brick, all the while mumbling under her breath. Alabama looked like she felt nothing but sympathy for her BFF, but had no idea what to say.

"Maybe you just need someone to share this stuff with. You know -- Barbie movies, and, you know. Cute clothes, colorful games, whatever else."

Raina stared without daring to say a word. Then, she finished her mouthful and tried:

"I mean... Do you like Barbie movies?"

"Yeah! I mean. They're good movies and stuff. I haven't watched them all, but I'd like to."

"Oh! Well, I think you'll like this one. It's the one where, you know, the knight goes into this tower, and -- there's this ogre guy. And -- there's also a magician -- oh, boy. How could I forget the magical pegasi that make clouds or something? Can't believe I almost forgot them."

"Heh. That reminds me of my sister. Used to love My Little Pony. Watched it all the time on her computer."

Alabama took a brick of chocolate and bit hard into it.

"Anywho, YES, movies, ogres, bring on the cheese. Let's -- please?"

Raina smiled and restarted the movie, but after a few minutes, she felt her attention drift away. Where had she heard of a kid who liked My Little Pony who was around Alabama's age? Was that Regina's kid she was talking about?

"Wait, wait -- is that Regina's kid you're talking about?" Raina asked after failing to hold her tongue for a few seconds. "Is that -- really?"

Alabama shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess Regina's my mom. Why? What about it?"

"Wait, didn't you see those kids on the news? Your sister's the one who saved all those guys from Lily's Isle a few -- what, days ago? You've got to be so proud."

"Yeah," Alabama smiled. "Love that kid. That was a -- great moment. So fun. Amazing -- sorry, I'm not -- I'm proud of her and stuff, and -- it was an awesome thing she did with her friend. It's just that... She's so far away. Like, it's been so long since I've gone to that house and just... lived there. It feels like part of me stayed there and just stopped moving until I went back. Like, I need to be there to breathe again, you know? I just... I miss being back there."

She looked at her hands in quiet contemplation.

"Wait, weren't you guys the same age?"

"Yeah, I mean -- some stuff with the birth and all. Delivered early and whatnot. Crap happens, and -- she's just so much younger. So small."

"That sounds almost magical."

Alabama laughed.

"You've been watching too much Barbie," she teased, attacking her with a candy bar. "But yeah, I mean. Maybe. Maybe not, I just -- I just know that we should have been together, but, crap happened, and here we are, and I'm... She's so much younger than me."

"She's like, seventeen?"

"Eighteen, I think."

"She looks like she's been here for a second. Like, I dunno. Fifteen? Dang, how -- How can you be so young?"

"Yeah, I guess -- I guess that's just weird. But -- we've -- we're like, same birthday and all. Dad said we had the same birthday but not the same year, so we were "twins" except for birth year, but... Mom said some stuff happened back there, and it made us weird."

"What kind of stuff? Like, a wormhole?"

"Kind of. She said that something just... Happened. Someone did something, and she was younger. Like, some freak accident with the doctors or something. Some food she wasn't supposed to eat. Like, even a potion, at this point. The lady was pretty weird -- she was this weird witch lady, with all those weird pockets of fabric at home. Like, I dunno, I thought she lived in a tree, but I never really knew. I guess not, I mean, I swear I saw some pictures or some references somewhere that she really just lived in this small apartment a few miles away from my parents' house back there. That way, she could always come and reach us. She was our aunt or something."

"So you've got witch blood," Raina popped.

"It sounds cooler than it is," Alabama smiled. "I've never been able to, like, have anything to myself that magical or particular. Like, no big achievements, no telekinesis, no nothing and stuff. I mean, I don't know what I was expecting, but like, when you're told the lady that helped give birth to you was some classic witch person, you start asking yourself questions."

"Wait -- that's Regina's kin. How come she doesn't live with you guys?"

"Yeah, she's just sort of disappeared. I dunno -- people don't say her name much. They just -- call her The Aunt. Never heard of her at all except for, like, that story."

"Wait, wait -- your name's Alabama. I swear nobody in our family is named Alabama at all."

Alabama shrugged.

"Yeah, well. I never liked the name. Plus, it was already someone's, and nobody really used the name at all, so I just changed it. Alabama sounds nicer. It sounds like a big old cup of cocoa. I should probably have hesitated more, but, well. It's nice."

Raina smiled warmly.

"Alabama-cup-of-cocoa suits you better."

"I swear that's not how you're supposed to pronounce "cocoa"."

"Yeah, well, you'll never know -- and you can't stop me!"

Then she grimaced.

"Oh. Hey, am I -- am I supposed to react like this? Like, with -- laughs, and weird jokes and stuff. I keep feeling like I'm doing something bad. Like, I should have done that joke better -- or said something else entirely. Something softer."

She swallowed something thick that, in hindsight, was only her saliva.

"I'm -- am I bothering you? Am I, like, hurting you? I keep feeling like I'm doing something bad, like, by reacting how I do, or -- or, sometimes, just being here, and being -- being me, that's not appropriate. Am I appropriate? Like, I should change if I'm hurting people, I just... I just wish I could -- like, I didn't have to. Like, all the time. Like, I just wish the core of me wasn't, like, inconvenient."

Alabama reached out for her arm and pat it in sympathy. Raina let her face drop.

"I just... At the core of who I am, I'm just... This really obnoxious, loud person, who others don't really like. And I make those jokes that people find rude, I guess, but I mean, at the same times they make worse jokes all the time so it's -- well, anyways. I just... It feels like I'm messing everything up. And like, I'm too brash for them. Even though I don't want to be. And I just don't know WHAT I am, and if I really am worthy, because... Because people don't like me, so all I see of myself is the parts people hate or despise. You know?"

"I know, girl, I have the same problem. I always feel like people hate me for who I am, and, well, I suppose if they do, it's not really my problem. Haven't done anything wrong from what I know. If they just don't like me, I say, let them. I'll just be myself on my own. Feels much better, anyways."

Raina let out a laugh.

"How old are you again?" 

Alabama smiled a bit painfully.

"Eighteen, but don't believe what I say. All this is my mom's wisdom. I'm just passing it onto you. And I don't know how old my sister is. I... think I forgot she was born for the first few years. Didn't really register it, if I even saw her at all. Then she was just -- there, and... I don't know. I don't even know if she remembers who I am from those small memories. I mean, does she remember our early days, or is it the same? And, how old are you?"

"Nineteen and an idiot. Don't believe what I say, either."

"I thought I was older than you."

"Me, too. I mean, I knew how old you were. I just, you know. Anyways."

She reached out for the bowl of marshmallows and put it between the two of them, before taking a handful of them and plopping them in her mouth.

"Wanna play some games? Truth or dare, that sort of stuff?"

Alabama smiled, then hesitated.

"I mean, normally, I would, but, I guess -- never mind. Well, it's your night, girl. What did you have in mind?"

"Board games?"

Alabama's face lit up in a smile.

"Show me what you got."


	4. Chapter 4

The bell let out a few notes as they pushed their freezing-cold bodies in the hall. The shop was empty; the shopkeeper must be upstairs, or hidden somewhere between the dark wood of the cupboards. Raina didn't see him until he was right under their noses, sitting with a smile on his designated spot by the counter.

"Hello, ladies! It's quite a fine night we've got, isn't it?" he called. "Stars are all out. I could see my reflection there if it wasn't so cloudy."

It is," Raina agreed. "I love those stars. Feels like countryside again."

"You come from the country?" the shopkeeper asked with a spark of interest, but he was back to carving some small object behind his desk.

"Not really, I just come here to visit -- are those handmade?" Raina found herself asking.

She stopped herself from reaching out to one of the wooden sculptures. Was that even polite? To her, making something meant it was yours, and a prize. It probably wasn't -- Alabama would probably laugh at her for saying that, but -- still.

"Not really, I got these from the town shop," the shopkeeper answered with a sharp glance. "Right next door. Brilliant neon lighting they've got. Can't compete with that, I think about it at night sometimes. They're gonna close my shop if I don't get stuff like that sometime. Yeah?"

"Uh --" Raina blabbered.

Her gaze floated between the keeper and the sculptures. Alabama let out a small huff of laughter.

"I think he's messing with you -- right, sir?"

"Nothing wrong with messing a bit with the youth there," the old man cooed happily. "Ahh, lighten up, kid. I ain't much of a threat to you, see?"

There was a real flash of joy in his eyes as he sat back on his chair and set an analyzing look at the two young women, like he was seeing them for the first time. He seemed to approve of them, and after some time, he asked:

"You gonna buy something?" he asked in a nonchalant voice. "I've got wooden bears, some -- paper fish. Ain't nothing wrong with just looking, too. I've got your backs."

"Yeah, we're probably going to leave soon, but -- we'll leave a tip," Alabama said.

She looked like she was ready to push Raina into an alley. The shopkeeper didn't notice -- Raina herself wasn't sure if she had imagined it -- and kept his gaze on the smaller of the two.

"Is she always that scared? You look like you're about to crap your pants, there. Need anything for that?"

"Bit of a hard night," Alabama answered a bit coldly.

The keeper nodded.

"Nothing wrong with a bit of stress sometimes. I've done my fair share of that myself. That your first time in the country, kid?"

"I was born here," Raina protested angrily, shuffling away from her BFF's warning hold. "I've lived here since I was a kid. Well, mom wanted to move after a bit, but -- I always wanted to come back. I've been saving to come back since I was a kid. I know the streets."

She bit back a retort and looked away instead of saying something rude. Alabama was holding firmly onto her shoulder.

"This isn't the first time I've done this, I'm not an amateur," Raina finished quietly.

"Well, that certainly didn't come from the country," the shopkeeper commented. "You sure you don't have a BFF or something back in the big city? Or -- a cat, or something?"

"I --"

"We'll go look at the sculptures, sir," Alabama piped in. "Thanks for the conversation, it was nice."

Alabama dragged her BFF until they were out of earshot from the shopkeeper, then she turned to her with an astonished expression.

"Dude, what was the --"

"I'm not stupid," Raina whimpered.

She was holding back tears.

"I just -- he didn't say I was stupid, it's just -- it's been a long time, and I've been trying to talk to my mother again and it's -- it's just. It just doesn't -- it's not working. I need something else, but... I just, I'm not stupid, okay? I have stuff, but -- I don't. I just -- it's just how I like to do things, okay?"

Alabama's face softened. She squeezed her friend in her arms. Raina let out a sob.

"It's just -- this isn't. Everywhere I go, It's. I just don't know why I'm here anymore. None of this is where I want to be. It feels like -- everywhere I go, nothing is right. It's all a nightmare, and my brain -- I feel like I'm getting stupider and stupider, and I'm not doing things right... There are so many of my old friends doing amazing things with their lives and I'm just... Moping around in an apartment, writing stories... I'm so immature... What's wrong with me?"

Alabama brushed a tear from her friend's cheek.

"You wanna get some air?"

"Yeah, let's -- I'm sorry, man. We didn't even get to check out the nutcrackers, and we said... It was... I should feel sad about this, but -- I just feel angry. I feel like I've ruined our night. Haven't I? I've been so angry about everything. I feel like I'm being ungrateful."

Alabama nodded to the shopkeeper, and as he took the money she was handing him, he nodded back.

"I don't know, man. Let's just keep walking and get the heck out of here. He's creeping me out."


End file.
